The Weepy Willow

Okay married women, I need some help and advice. I never thought I'd be this girl, but the past few days have brought me to many tears, many heart flutters and much stress, feeling completely overwhelmed...like I'm drowning or like all four walls are caving in on me.

Kay, it's like this. I think it's been hitting me that my life is about to change completely and in every area and this is a really scary thing for me. Fact is, Cyndy Bartel SUCKS at change, whether it's good or bad - in this case it's obviously a good change. My parents laugh when they remember many moons ago (I must have been about 6 or 7) when they bought me a new dresser for my room. I cried and cried because I didn't want to part with the one I already had - it was familiar...comfortable. Now, multiply that by 1000 percent and that's how I've been feeling the last few days. It's such a mix. I'm ecstatic beyond belief about getting married, being a wife, living with Warren, etc. It's just all so HUGE to me when I'm standing at the beginning of it all. SO out of my comfort zone. Yesterday we packed up all of our stuff and my room and moved most of it to our new appartment. I cried myself silly (in secret) packing up my room...my life...everything that I've known. Am I insane??? Have any of you girls felt like this when you were going through all of the big stuff days before you headed for the altar??

I guess I want to ask for your prayers too. I don't want these emotions to cloud my next few days and mask what this really is. This is such a fun and exciting time and I am head over heels in love with Warren. I pray that I'll be able to keep it all in perspective and enjoy it all, soaking it all in. Hit me back, if you have any advice.

The Deep End of the Ocean

I've been feeling really deep and contemplative lately. Lots of tears, laughs and reminiscing has been taking place in the quiet of my heart and the secrecy of my bedroom. There's lots on my mind these days and my heart is overflowing (as you can well imagine). I just got the new Carrie Underwood album (which is amazing, by the way) and I was listening to the song, Jesus Take The Wheel, and I suddenly felt my eyes well up with tears and an awfully big lump in my throat. I've realized that God and me haven't been as strong as we used to be. That area of my life has been strange since my mom's cancer. The world's a funny place. I've slacked and let myself drift. It's not that I'm angry or frustrated with Him, it's just that I can get so consumed by my life, my own desires and my to do lists that I literally forget to include God in my day. I only remember or make a point to talk with God when I'm at a crossroads or need a hand. I used to take Him everywhere with me - I'd talk out loud in the car to Him - laugh and cry, tell Him about my day. It was a warm place. Secure.

But I realize that when we've lost God....it's not God who is lost. He never changes. He stays the same. It's always me. Me, me, me. When I close myself off and block my heart, I'm hurting everyone around me and most importantly, God. I'm working on getting back to the place where we (God and I) used to be. It's a rough road, but I'm trying. Another wake up call. Another point of realization. It never ends.

Contemplation

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable, but small. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of what I read in a book, or saw in a movie, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void."

Related

Have you seen the new show this season called Related? It's about four sisters - Ginnie, Anne, Margee & Rose - each of them very different from the others. I am really loving it! It's really cute and funny and it makes me happy. Monday nights on the WB. Check it out.

A Place To Call Home

A little while ago, near the beginning of the month, my church threw a bridal shower for me. It was really great - holy, did we ever get STUFF!! And beautiful stuff too!

This pic is of me (in the middle) and my 2 best friends, and bridesmaids, Lish (left) and Genelle (right) at the shower. Good times!

Warren and I are feeling pretty overwhelmed these days by the support and generosity we've felt from friends and family during this time. It's pretty great.

We can hardly wait to set up our appartment and have a place to call our home... something that excites me beyond words. I've done the roomate-thing....the living-on-my-own-thing....the back-at-home-with-Mom-&-Dad-thing.... and now I'm ready (and anxious) to live with the man I love. PS - Did I mention that I'm crazy about this guy???!?

19 DAYS AND 18 SLEEPS!!!!

Old Love

Okay Kids, time for reflection.

The other night, I was sitting at the counter, eating supper with my parents. We had been sitting there for a while and it was pretty quiet. Both Mom and Dad were content and peacefully munching on their dinner. Every once in a while they'd look up and meet each other's eyes, following with a smile. Once or twice, dad looked up, as if to look for something (maybe salt & pepper, whatever) and before he even opened his mouth to ask for it to be passed, Mom had nonchelantly handed it to him as he thanked her.

As I quietly finished my plate and looked back and forth from one parent to the other, I realized how amazing this winessed situation really was. After 29 years of marriage, there was this beautiful comfortableness and relationship between the them. Old love.

Sometimes words are necessary, yet sometimes they're not. Sometimes you can love a person so much and know them so well that you can communicate with each other through a look or an expression. That's a gift.

Young people often talk too much. We feel such a need to be heard. We're missing the beauty of silence and the comfortableness of quiet. This comes with age, with experience. I get it. And I'm beginning to realize that this is something that needs to be learned and will grow within time. Young love. We learn by experience. We grow through time.

Warren and I are young. We're new. We are only beginning on this journey they call marriage. I gotta say, having a relationship as close and as wonderful as my parents to watch and learn from is a blessing. Each stage of love, whether it's young or it's old, is a treasure and is something to acknowledge and enjoy at every stage.

I learned a lot at that particular supper, as quiet as it was.

Derailed

Omigosh!!!! Warren and I saw Derailed on the weekend and I gotta say, I loved it! I usually don't do scary movies, but somehow, I was really into this one. It was that good. Maybe it's because I really like Jennifer Aniston....or because I had Warren by my side to hold hands with....or because I was due for a good scare. Don't really know, but I dug it. I think it was really well made. I also think you should all see it sometime....but not alone.

Thoughts of a VERY Soon-To-Be Bride...

Busy, busy, busy. My life is just humming right now. Ah, wedding plans. There's a steady flow of to do's on my daily agenda and I love it. But last night, I had a bit of a breakdown because it felt like everybody was tugging at me in every direction. What's a bride to do? Warren, in all of his sensibility and practicality, slowly directed me back to reality and made me realize that everything will work out. It always does. He was right. I needed to chill out. Relax. Breathe. And most of all, enjoy this time of planning, giddyness and pampering. I am. I really am. I know I'll miss these hectic times when it's all said and done. To be honest, I think last night was one of the first times I've felt frazzled at all during these past 8 or so months of planning, which is a blessing.

I'm loving the idea part. It's neat to be able to take every little idea or thought and combine it into one big event, one that celebrates and symbolizes Warren and I. It's been a real opportunity to get creative and personal with all the little details. That's what I love...the details. Our wedding is going to be so pretty, so detailed and personal. Everything from the invitations, to the decorating, the wedding favors, the music, and even the wedding bands!

I'm really missing my big sister these days. Mel's my maitron of honor. Now with my wedding coming up so quickly and all of these plans and details to cover, I ache for her to be here with me to share in it all. She makes everything better. I can't wait to have her home to get all giddy and girlie with me. These are times to remember.

This week Mom and I met with our florist, which was really exciting. I had my shower on Tuesday evening at the church - that was wonderful. Omigosh, did we ever get stuff!! And beautiful stuff too - I can hardly wait to set up our place now. Kinda overwhelming at how blessed we are by the support and generosity of so many people. Tomorrow I have my 2nd dress fitting, which is always magical - can't wait to try it on again. Things are really coming together and picking up speed. 37 days and counting!! All good stuff. But most of all, I just can't wait to be with Warren again this weekend! I kinda miss him.

Girlfriends

There's nothing better than throwing on your pj's, pulling your hair up into a messy bun, slipping off your socks and on your slippers and gabbing with your girlfriends for the evening. Are ya with me? There's something very wonderful about the bond between girlfriends...it's something that we just plain can't share with anyone else - our guys, our family, our pets. It's a comfort thing.

I feel this with Genelle and Lish - call me cheesy, call me lame - but these two are my kindred spirits, much like Anne and Diana in Anne of Green Gables. C'mon ladies, you know you know what I'm talking about. We've been the three muskateers for as long as I can remember.

Genelle is the spunky one. She's so animated and full of life - she lights up the room. She has these eyes that are so big and brown and captivating - they sparkle and dance when she talks. Genelle has a heart of gold and is very alert and aware of details - she's always ready for a good time, and in the same way, is always ready to drop what she's doing to listen and quietly be a listening ear or the voice of reason. She's an elementry school teacher and is extremely brilliant and great at what she does.

Lish is adventurous. She's a nurse and very much like her profession, she's extremely warm hearted and nurturing towards others. When there's a risk to be taken, she's all over it. When there's an advenure to be had, she's there. Lish is very smart and independent and excels at most everything she does. She's a really good conversationalist and is the go-to girl when there's a problem or a situation to solve. But mostly, I love her heart. It's big and it's there and its' always open.

The three of us have gone through all of life's big and small milestones together. By milestones I mean junior high, summer camp, high school, crushes, parties, driver's training, jobs, moving away from home, moving back home, boyfriends, fiancees, and weddings. The list is endless. We have the kind of friendship where we are all so inependent, living our own lives, yet whenever we get the chance to get together, we always pick up right where we left off. There's that familiarity and home feeling. I love that!

Today I was thinking about them both and it made me feel giddy and girly and altogether grateful for our strong, forever friendship.

Ramblings of a Relaxed Bride

Wedding plans are in full swing, as you can imagine and things are coming up quickly. As of today, 52 days and counting!!! This is a very good thing!

I've been thrilled by the RSVP's we've been getting back in the mail each day - actually, that's been a big highlight for me each day.

There is much to do - mostly the nitty-gritty details left, which is fun for me. I have genuinely enjoyed the wedding planning process. I haven't really felt stressed or frustrated much at all. I'm definitely not one of those bridezillas you read about it the magazines... It's been a really fun and rewarding experience. Maybe that's because I'm a creative thinker to begin with, so it was like letting a kid loose in a candy store. There are endless posibilities!

But mostly, my mind's been filled with thoughts of what it will be like to actually be married. The wedding is one thing - very fun, romantic, exciting, beautiful, etc. - but in all honesty, it's only a day. Being back together with Warren has really brought that into perspective for me and made me realize how much I anticipate living together and sharing a life together as husband and wife. It goes so much deeper than the wedding. I feel so loved and so blessed to have this amazing gift of love, of Warren in my life. He's everything to me and I guess I just know that this is something pretty sacred, pretty real.

A Clear Revelation

God's shown me lots of stuff about myself lately that I need to and want to change. This past week - more near the end of it - was a tough one, in some ways. It was tough because no one likes to be slapped in the face with reality. Especially when you're wrong and you know it. The changing process, the time in which God takes your heaped up heart into His hands and moulds you like putty, can be a weary one. But the end result....it's something beautiful. I'm on my way there. I am trying to get back to the place I seem to have distanced myself from.

I tend to be a very selfish person. I guess we all do, that's the humanness in us. But this is different. I want to understand what it means to be a selfless individual because I know how easy it is to slip into a me first mode. That sucks.

When you are around an unselfish person, you know it. You see it and you feel it. Everything in the room feels different - somehow light and airy, easy going and happy. God gives each of us the opportunity each morning to wake up and map out our journey for that day. It's up to us how we will react to each situation and where we will put our focus.

I love when God wakes me up and gives me a clear revelation. I know this will be a forever process for me, something I will be striving to better myself in for the rest of my life. We all have our things, our areas that need work. But I guess today I just come with a full heart and a willingness to change and see myself for who I really am standing infront of such a big God.

A Little 'Bout Me...

1. name that appears on birth certificate: Cynthia Marie Bartel
2. any siblings? 1 sister, 2 brothers & 1 brother-in-law
3. number of candles on your last birthday: 24
4. pets: 1 dog - Kodak
5. hair color: blonde
6. piercings: ears
7. eye color: light blue
8. hometown: Leamington, ON
9. favorite foods: Tacos (mexican food), cheesy hashbrowns!
10. favorite icecream: It's ALL good!!!!
11. ever been to Africa? nope
12. what's the furthest you've been from home? Haitii.....also Europe (Paris, France and London England) - not sure which one's further...
13. have you ever loved someone so much it made you cry? yes
14. been in a car accident? Uh-uh....phew!
15. favorite day of the week: I don't know...Saturday or Sunday...hello, it's the weekend!
16. favorite restaurant: Applebees is climbin' the charts!
17. favorite flower: tulips, hydraengeas, peonies, orchids, calla lillies - "springish" flowers - they're so cute and happy looking
18. favorite sport to watch: hockey...but let me make myself very clear here....as long as it's live and it's someone I know because in all honesty (sorry to my future Toews family) I don't like watching sports on TV - it's kinda boring...
19. favorite sport to play: Ha ha, that's pretty funny...!
20. favorite drink: diet coke
21. favorite color: greens, browns (neutral colours)
22. hobbies?: design, sketching, photography
23. what do you do most often when you are bored?: sadly, probably watch TV
24. name one place you'd love to visit, anywhere in the world: New York City!
25. at which store would you choose to max out your credit card: Oooohh...there are more than one, my friend. For clothes/shoes/bags - Urban Trade, Jacob, American Eagle & Aldo... For home decor/stuff - Pier One Imports, Home Outfitters... For art/hobby stuff - Michaels (Wow, that was easy, wasn't it?!)
26. e-mail or snail mail?: Well, both are great, but there's something about snail mail that's kinda romantic and old fashioned and nice. It would be wonderful and seem more meaningful to recieve snail mail because there's a lot more thought, work and time that goes into it.
27. bedtime: 11ish
28. would you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?: introvert
29. how many schools have you attended?: 6
30. favorite TV show? The OC - LOVE it!!!
31. last person you went out to dinner with? Warren
32. ford or chevy? Chevy, I think...
33. what are you listening to right now? Paul Brandt - This Time Around
34. do you enjoy life to the fullest? I try to. I love my life!
35. what are your nicknames? Cyn, Squeaker (only by Dad), Critter (only by Warren)
36. would you ever bungee jump? Do I look like I'm mentally challenged???!?
37. outdoor activity or indoor? Outdoor
38. shoe size: 7
38. who do you miss most? Warren
39. the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? The eyes, for sure.
40. Last movie you watched: Elizabethtown
41. favorite smell: fresh cookies in the oven
42. favorite time of year: Christmas!!!

A Closer Look

So, I thought I might post a few pics on my space here, because if you're anything like me, you appreciate the visual aspect of most things and agree with the phrase "A picture is worth 1000 words". Here's a look into my little corner of the world...

First thing's first - there he is, in all his glory. Warren, my fiance. Yup, he's cool, he's stylin' and he's got what it takes to make your heart melt. But anyway, in this picture, he's sitting at one of our favorite spots down by the river in Saskatoon (university side). We've shared many good talks and made many memories down there.

We're a pretty easy going couple - it doesn't take much for us to have a good time, which is a good thing because when you're students, the money doesn't exactly flow like milk and honey! One of our favorite things to do is to go for long walks and just talk, laugh and be goofy. We love Saskatoon! What a great city!

Okee-dokee, now it's time to introduce you to the rest of the Bartel clan. Kay, this is my little brother, Jon (21) and his longtime girlfriend, Karen (21). They are one of my all-time favorite couples! They're so nutty and fun. They've literally been dating for almost 6 years now! It's only because they are true high school sweethearts - since like grade 10 or something?! Kar is like my second sister. We've done a long road trip together, vactationed in Florida together and ate many Christmas dinners together. Good times. Jon is an Audio Engineer - went to OIART (Ontario Institute of Audio Recording Technology) and is now an intern there. He's super artistic and an amazing musician. That guy's got stuff! And Kar is at the U of W taking all kinds of sciences - biochem is her baby. Anyway, I think she eventually wants to become a teacher. She'll be great at whatever she does. She's a real go-getter.

And... this is one of my favorite pictures of all time. It's my other brother, Steve (22) and his longtime girlfiend Vicki (21) on the beach. The reason I enjoy it so much is because it totally captivates who these two are. Vick is a nutcase! Seriously, she's so crazy and spunky. Steve is a bit more quiet and serious but still goofy, very goal-oriented. Together, they are such a great couple. I think they've been together for just over two years now. Steve is finishing his last year in Mechanical Engineering at the University of Windsor and Vick is in the Communications program at the same university. They are the living proof that opposites attract! I can't wait to see what the future holds for these two.

This is my big sister and best friend, Mel (27) and her beautiful little girl Mikayla Jade (almost 2) (also known as MJ to our family). These 2 pics are kinda old now, but I think they're pretty great. Just look at those blue eyes!! MJ was born on November 11, 2003, offically making me Auntie Cyndy for the first time. She's a very special girl to me. She brings so much life and laughter to the clan. And what a little stinker...she's got opinions, that girl! LOVE her!

So anyways, that's not all....there's more where that came from, but I'll save that for another day. Hopefully this gives you somewhat of a start to understanding who I am, where I come from and the people who surround me. What a life!

The Glow

I think I'm glowing. No...I'm positive that I'm glowing. In fact, I really don't think this smile has left my face since the weekend. If I said it was because the sun is shining and the air is a nice, crisp cool, I'd be only partly right. Aw, who am I kidding, it's because I'm just a girl in love. The truth is, my fiance - Warren Toews - has finally, finally come home! Phew. What a long stretch of long-distnace that was!

Okay, okay, let me give you the lowdown before I carry on any more. See, Warren's currently in his last year of the Optometry program at U of W and was gone on his resdency/externship - in Birmingham, Alabama (of all places!) and then he did a shorter stretch in Saskatoon, SK. Aside from a weekend here or there (I think there were 3 times we saw each other in that span), we've been apart for nearly 6 months now - for most of our engagement! Eeek! So you can only imagine how stoked I am to have my man back and be able to spend the remaining 2 months of our engagement together!!! WOW.

So whatever, this past weekend was heaven. We did lots. Friday, he got here later than expected - clinic ran late - and so we just vegged and had a Corner Gas marathon (yup, you read that correctly - Corner Gas is a Warren fav. I think it's a Saskatchewan thing...I don't know) Saturday morning, Lisa Quick from Due South Photography came over to my parents' house to take our engagement pics - it's so pretty in the bush, with all of the fall leaves and stuff. Warren was surprisingly cooperative. Hmmmm... Then, we headed for Windsor and had a BLAST. Just a Warren and Cyn kind of day. We went to the mall for a bit....test drove a car (Warren's idea, of course!)......went out for supper to BP's......and then went to a movie - Elizabethtown - which we both really kinda liked. Sunday morning was church. Then it was off to Matt & Genelle's for lunch. We made pita pizzas, which were quite tasty. It was great catching up with those two. We have fun together. So yeah, what a weekend. Lots of laughing. Lots of good talks. Lots of just loving being back together. I'm happier than a fat kid in a bakery!