Forever Changed

I have so much to say, but every time I've gone to type something this week, I'm left staring at a blank screen, tears welling up in my eyes.

I've been so overcome with grief and sadness for a guy I only knew of, never really having any real contact with him. My heart just aches for his wife and his family. The tears just won't stop.

As I've spent a great deal of time reading related blogs, comments and facebook entries this week, I've been overwhelmed by this amazing Christian community holding up the Toews family. In a time that seems impossible, where the tears are never-ending and an extreme amount of exhaustian has taken over, all we can do is hold them up in prayer and believe that God will do the rest.

We question. We ask, Why God? Why Nate? And why at such a young age when he was clearly living his life for You? But in the end, I have really been snapped back to a humble reality this week - God is in control and He will decide. Questioning is an endless circle. We are human. We can't possibly understand God's ways. We're small, standing before our Big God. He has always known that Nathan would come home to live with Him at this time, even back on the day he was born. He knows that timeline for all of us.

We seem to think we're invincible. I often do. We get so caught up in day-to-day stuff, that we almost get cocky and lazy in how we're spending our time here on earth and how we're fostering our relationships. Nate's story has richly affected me. I've never felt this way before, it's something pretty big. I believe that God is doing amazing things though this incredibly tragic situation, and changing people through it. Talk about an intense sense of timing. On a day where the Toews family experienced a horrific death in the family, they also experienced this miracle birth, welcoming Caleb Nathan into the family. That's our God.

I stand, I stand in awe of You.

How am I living my life? What would people say about me if I died? It's been a huge question in my mind this week. I can't shake it. It has brought me to a quiet place.

I thought Jamie said it so well in her last blog entry. We are God's. Our bodies are not our own. They are simply shells, a holding space for our time here on earth. What an encouragement to know that Nathan isn't dead. Physically, he's gone, but he is alive and well, prasing his Father in Heaven. That's a blessing.

More than anything, I want to wrap my arms around Rosanna and the rest of the family during this time. I am praying for you constantly. Time will ease this excrutiating pain you feel. It will. You will always miss Nate, always. But we serve a loving Father who understands and will walk with you the whole way. You will never be alone.

I am forever changed.*